What you have written is very wise, and I wish more people would talk about the value of "isolation" -- or productive aloneness, as I tend to call it. Part of the problem is a lot of mental health clinicians are compulsively gregarious individuals that like to romanticize community. So they tend to see any kind of social withdrawal as concerning.
I'm more than capable of having a wild social life -- and I have -- but it was only when I embraced aloneness and finally faced myself that I really started to become authentic.
There's a great book I've read -- more than once -- called "Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto" by Anneli Rufus. She's brilliant. She talks about how loners are constantly pathologised by professionals. When the police are hunting for a rapist or murderer, some psychologist is often by their side muttering darkly that this deviant they're pursuing is most likely a "loner" -- that aberrant, fearful thing.
I do feel empathy though for highly tribalistic, extroverted people: despite the value of time spent alone, they don't require much solitude before they start getting serious cabin fever and start climbing the walls. Covid demonstrated that for very social individuals too much alone time is a recipe for mental illness.
I've never had CPTSD -- I'm not sure how I managed that one as I've certainly experienced the ingredients for that condition. Mind you, I've encountered other negative sequelae resulting from classic CPTSD precursors.
So whatever it is that ails you, and if you have the sort of temperament that will benefit from it, "isolation" is very healthy and productive. The other great fringe benefit of not having people in your face all the time is that when you do spend time in the streets and catch up with people you feel a real love and appreciation of humanity, just the bizarre miracle of the human project.
Beautifully said as always. I am going to add that book to my reading list. It’s interesting because I was just watching some of the Amanda Knox trial and a lot of her behavior was criticized harshly, especially by the media. She was doing cart wheels / yoga poses in police station. (I wonder if this was some sort of stimming.) And was affectionate to Rafael S. too, which may have brought her comfort. Society projects this idea that we have to all react a certain may in order to be “not guilty.” And that there is often only one way to behave when you experience a traumatic event. I am not commenting on whether I agree with the verdict or anything but I am taking note of observations through a different lens than I did before. And even as I am watching, I am also guilty at times of believing the narrative society projects.
Wow maybe that is why crime rates are so high. Also our court system is messy!
Excited to read the book! Have you watched High Potential the show? I love it.
Yeah people can have some strange reactions. Like a grieving widow at a funeral who starts laughing. Not out of some sort of insensitive defense, but just a weird paradoxical reaction to emotional overload. Or like someone with "smiling depression" who is breezy, positive and chatty in the office but as soon as they get home they binge on Netflix, get drunk, and cry for hours.
My husband chose computer programming as a profession. Interfacing with others was still necessary, far more often than he was comfortable with. He retired at the earliest possible age, 62, even though it meant a lower monthly Social Security payment, to get relief from the constant discomfort. He's perfectly happy programming for fun at home in a dark room with the shades drawn for hours.
Marie — thanks for sharing this!! Computer programmers can typically still have to deal with those political nuances that can be draining. Sounds like your husband has reclaimed his joy for himself!! Cannot put a pricetag on that ❤️
When you're heart skips a beat with any phone call or email because it's been so long since you've had one. And that's on purpose, that's practice out of necessity. Never trust anyone no matter what zone. Thank you for calling it out as it is.
It took me a long time to understand how/why I'd been sociable (and a people pleaser) for decades and after burnout, was literally full of shame and fear and withdrew for almost 2 years. I'm much more aware now and slowly getting back into circulation, but with my needs and boundaries in mind.
Karen — thank you for sharing your story. It is so wild how many goodbyes come with healing and regulating too! I resonate with the retired people pleaser energy too. Glad you put you first! ❤️
I am so glad you feel seen!! And it would be good to connect with a healthcare provider who is licensed to assess and diagnose and treat.
I know for me, being able to have the “label” allowed me to better understand myself and look into ways to navigate the world best for me with my brain and nervous system in mind. ❤️
I live with a mental condition called derealization. In my case, I experience life as if I were inside a constant dream. Reality doesn’t quite exist as it used to. It’s like living in a soft, endless dream through which I move, work, love, and raise my family.
What you describe in your essay resonates deeply with me. This is exactly how I live: not in fear, but with awareness and acceptance. I have a family, two daughters, and a life I love, but I’ve learned that I must choose to live it in a way that makes sense and brings joy from my perspective.
The image I often use to describe my condition is this: it’s like someone who cannot walk and uses a wheelchair. It’s not physical in my case, but mental. Still, it’s similar in that you learn to adapt, to find your own way of moving through the world.
I’ve learned to accept my condition, not to force myself to live like others, but to live fully as I am. I believe that for people like us, the most important step is self-acceptance and awareness not despite our condition, but through it.
Thank you for your essay and for the work you do. It means a lot to see someone write with such understanding and empathy.
What you have written is very wise, and I wish more people would talk about the value of "isolation" -- or productive aloneness, as I tend to call it. Part of the problem is a lot of mental health clinicians are compulsively gregarious individuals that like to romanticize community. So they tend to see any kind of social withdrawal as concerning.
I'm more than capable of having a wild social life -- and I have -- but it was only when I embraced aloneness and finally faced myself that I really started to become authentic.
There's a great book I've read -- more than once -- called "Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto" by Anneli Rufus. She's brilliant. She talks about how loners are constantly pathologised by professionals. When the police are hunting for a rapist or murderer, some psychologist is often by their side muttering darkly that this deviant they're pursuing is most likely a "loner" -- that aberrant, fearful thing.
I do feel empathy though for highly tribalistic, extroverted people: despite the value of time spent alone, they don't require much solitude before they start getting serious cabin fever and start climbing the walls. Covid demonstrated that for very social individuals too much alone time is a recipe for mental illness.
I've never had CPTSD -- I'm not sure how I managed that one as I've certainly experienced the ingredients for that condition. Mind you, I've encountered other negative sequelae resulting from classic CPTSD precursors.
So whatever it is that ails you, and if you have the sort of temperament that will benefit from it, "isolation" is very healthy and productive. The other great fringe benefit of not having people in your face all the time is that when you do spend time in the streets and catch up with people you feel a real love and appreciation of humanity, just the bizarre miracle of the human project.
Beautifully said as always. I am going to add that book to my reading list. It’s interesting because I was just watching some of the Amanda Knox trial and a lot of her behavior was criticized harshly, especially by the media. She was doing cart wheels / yoga poses in police station. (I wonder if this was some sort of stimming.) And was affectionate to Rafael S. too, which may have brought her comfort. Society projects this idea that we have to all react a certain may in order to be “not guilty.” And that there is often only one way to behave when you experience a traumatic event. I am not commenting on whether I agree with the verdict or anything but I am taking note of observations through a different lens than I did before. And even as I am watching, I am also guilty at times of believing the narrative society projects.
Wow maybe that is why crime rates are so high. Also our court system is messy!
Excited to read the book! Have you watched High Potential the show? I love it.
Yeah people can have some strange reactions. Like a grieving widow at a funeral who starts laughing. Not out of some sort of insensitive defense, but just a weird paradoxical reaction to emotional overload. Or like someone with "smiling depression" who is breezy, positive and chatty in the office but as soon as they get home they binge on Netflix, get drunk, and cry for hours.
you sure nailed it Steve.
It's so true, even if they're having an attitude or being a little weirdo, animals are just so honest and good.
Even if they steal a chip off your plate, they do it honestly! 🤣
So true!!😂 I will never forget when my dog took a whole slice of pizza and still had kindness in his eyes lol
Oh how cute!
My husband chose computer programming as a profession. Interfacing with others was still necessary, far more often than he was comfortable with. He retired at the earliest possible age, 62, even though it meant a lower monthly Social Security payment, to get relief from the constant discomfort. He's perfectly happy programming for fun at home in a dark room with the shades drawn for hours.
Marie — thanks for sharing this!! Computer programmers can typically still have to deal with those political nuances that can be draining. Sounds like your husband has reclaimed his joy for himself!! Cannot put a pricetag on that ❤️
When you're heart skips a beat with any phone call or email because it's been so long since you've had one. And that's on purpose, that's practice out of necessity. Never trust anyone no matter what zone. Thank you for calling it out as it is.
Thanks for being here! 💜🥹 Some of us need a recharge and that is okay.
It took me a long time to understand how/why I'd been sociable (and a people pleaser) for decades and after burnout, was literally full of shame and fear and withdrew for almost 2 years. I'm much more aware now and slowly getting back into circulation, but with my needs and boundaries in mind.
Karen
Karen — thank you for sharing your story. It is so wild how many goodbyes come with healing and regulating too! I resonate with the retired people pleaser energy too. Glad you put you first! ❤️
This really resonated with me and helped me see that isolating myself wasn't hurting me but helping me in places where I feel unsafe!
Absolutely, Jessica! We cannot heal where we do not feel that safety for ourselves. 🩷
You’ve described why I isolate and why I need so much time alone. I didn’t know I had CPTSD, but it fits!
I am so glad you feel seen!! And it would be good to connect with a healthcare provider who is licensed to assess and diagnose and treat.
I know for me, being able to have the “label” allowed me to better understand myself and look into ways to navigate the world best for me with my brain and nervous system in mind. ❤️
Thank you.
Welcome 🤗
...I hear, I understand and can associate
Love this.
This felt like the warmest hug, thank you so much
Thank you for this feedback 🥹 I am so glad! 🤗 ❤️
Great and relatable piece!
I live with a mental condition called derealization. In my case, I experience life as if I were inside a constant dream. Reality doesn’t quite exist as it used to. It’s like living in a soft, endless dream through which I move, work, love, and raise my family.
What you describe in your essay resonates deeply with me. This is exactly how I live: not in fear, but with awareness and acceptance. I have a family, two daughters, and a life I love, but I’ve learned that I must choose to live it in a way that makes sense and brings joy from my perspective.
The image I often use to describe my condition is this: it’s like someone who cannot walk and uses a wheelchair. It’s not physical in my case, but mental. Still, it’s similar in that you learn to adapt, to find your own way of moving through the world.
I’ve learned to accept my condition, not to force myself to live like others, but to live fully as I am. I believe that for people like us, the most important step is self-acceptance and awareness not despite our condition, but through it.
Thank you for your essay and for the work you do. It means a lot to see someone write with such understanding and empathy.
You think animals respect boundaries? You haven't met my cats... Or my past dog...
Thank you.
You are welcome 🤗
Yes to all of this. Exhale.
🧘♀️
https://youtu.be/XxY08J86S1o?si=shUSXO2P1JCg9Rve