How to Advocate for What You Need—When Your Boss Doesn’t “Get” Neurodiversity

Workplace advocacy strategies for neurodivergent professionals, written by someone who’s lived it.

Photo by Sydney Latham on Unsplash

What’s “reasonable”? What’s risky? And what I’ve seen—as a coach, an HR pro, and a neurodivergent person myself.

Honestly, asking for what you need at work can already feel like walking a tightrope.
Add in neurodivergence—and a boss who doesn’t speak the language of sensory needs, executive dysfunction, or cognitive burnout—and suddenly that rope is fraying at the edges.

So, what do you do when your brain works differently, but the system you’re working within wasn’t designed with you in mind?

You get strategic. You get specific. And you get brave.

This guide is for you if:

• You’ve ever tried to self-advocate and been met with blank stares

• You’re not even sure what to ask for yet—but you know this isn’t working

• You want to design work that actually works for you, not just around you

And this isn’t just theory. I’m including a practical checklist at the end of this piece (for paid subscribers), so you can walk into your next conversation with clarity, confidence, and a plan.

But before we jump into scripts and strategies, I want to name something:

This isn’t a simple conversation.
Not legally. Not emotionally. Not professionally.

As someone who has worked in HR, coached clients through disclosure and accommodation, and navigated my own neurodivergent journey—I’ve seen this from every angle. And here’s the truth most guides won’t say out loud:

Once you disclose, you can’t walk it back.
It becomes part of your record. It shapes how some people see you—especially if the culture isn’t psychologically safe. That’s why this must be handled with care, not shame.

Sample screenshot of the checklist.

Through the HR Lens

When you ask for an accommodation, HR is going to:

1. Look at your job description—your essential duties and whether they can still be performed

2. Ask how they can “reasonably support” you

3. Often respond in writing or set up a formal meeting (and they’ll document everything)

What’s considered reasonable? It depends on the role, but some common examples I’ve seen include:

• Written instructions instead of verbal walkthroughs

• Noise-canceling headphones or a quieter workspace

• Flexible scheduling or shift adjustments

• More frequent breaks

• Ergonomic desks or chairs

• Extended deadlines (when not essential to role delivery)

But here’s the nuance: “reasonable” also means non-disruptive to the business. That’s where things can get tricky. The law is the law (thanks, ADA)—but how it plays out can vary wildly by company culture, leadership understanding, and documentation.

---

My Personal Story

I’ve asked for accommodations before. Simple ones: a protected lunch break and two 15-minute pauses during the day.

It was approved—technically, they had no choice. I was returning from a protected leave of absence, and the legal risk of denying it was too high.

Not long after, I lost my job.

Was it because I disclosed? I can’t say for sure—but I know how it felt.
But this is why so many people stay silent.
Because “bringing your whole self” still has consequences in many workplaces.

---

The Coaching Reality

In coaching sessions, I’ve helped neurodivergent clients prepare to speak with their managers—arming them with scripts, clarity, and confidence. Nearly every time, they walked away feeling more prepared and empowered.

But I also remind them:

• There is no exact science

• You are not alone if you’re scared

• You deserve support without needing to break yourself open

• HR is often undertrained and not able to navigate the neurodiversity landscape

---

What’s Actually Reasonable? Let’s Talk Gray Areas

“Reasonable” isn’t about your worth. It’s about whether the request aligns with your essential job functions without causing undue hardship on the business.

Let’s break this down with some grounded examples:

Example 1: Sensory Needs & Job Function

Job: Welder on a busy factory floor
Request: “Can I work in a quiet environment?”

❌ Probably not reasonable.
If 80% of your role is operating machinery in a noisy production line, asking to work in silence goes against the nature of the job. That said—noise-canceling headphones, custom earplugs, or structured break spaces might be considered.

But here’s something important to understand if you’re navigating this:

Behind closed doors, HR and legal teams are also weighing precedent and risk.
They're not just looking at you—they’re looking across the board at past practice.
Have they approved similar accommodations before? Have they ever reassigned someone to a different role? Would denying the request open them up to liability?

And sometimes? Employers do choose to move someone into a different role as a compromise. That’s when they’ll start quietly pulling performance records, manager feedback, and having those "risk vs. reward" conversations you won’t be privy to.

Bottom line: Even if your request is reasonable in theory, the outcome is shaped by internal politics, perceived impact, and how ready your organization is to support neurodivergent employees.

It’s not fair—but it’s real. And being aware of it helps you prepare—not personalize.

---

Example 2: Communication Style & Processing Time

Job: Marketing Analyst (remote or hybrid)
Request: “Can I get instructions in writing instead of verbally during meetings?”

✅ Very likely reasonable.
If your work doesn’t require split-second verbal responses and your role is focused on deliverables and analysis, written instructions can actually increase productivity and reduce misunderstandings.

This is not a guarantee, nothing is, but just an example that might be considered reasonable.

---

Example 3: Flexible Start Time

Job: Customer Service Agent on a call center team
Request: “Can I start my shift two hours later than the rest of the team?”

❌ May not be reasonable if calls need to be answered live and coverage is crucial during business hours.

✅ Workaround idea: “Can I swap shifts with another agent who prefers mornings, or move to a back-office support role with more flexibility?”

---

Pro Tip: Always Ask in Writing

Whether you’re sharing a formal accommodation request or just opening the door to a conversation, always document it.

Why?

• It protects you

• It gives HR and your manager time to process

• It reduces the chance of misunderstandings

You can say something like:

“Hi [Manager/HR], I wanted to follow up in writing on our conversation. I’d like to formally request [brief summary of accommodation]. Let me know what documentation you need from my side, and I’m happy to discuss further.”

Even if you talk about it first—follow up with an email. Paper trails matter.

---

One More Thing: Don’t Do It Alone

If you’re unsure about what to ask for—or how to ask for it—it’s not a weakness to get a second opinion.
In fact, it’s wise.

Whether it’s:

• A coach who understands neurodivergence

• A trusted mentor outside of your current organiziation

• Or even an employment attorney if things get sticky...

Getting outside perspective can give you clarity and protection.

Why this matters:
Once you open the door to disclosure or formal accommodations, the process becomes more structured—and sometimes more sensitive. Having support behind you doesn’t just build your confidence. It helps ensure you’re not navigating legal or emotional landmines alone.

You deserve support. Period.

So if it feels heavy or uncertain—phone a friend, tag your coach, or talk it through with someone who gets it. You don’t need to carry this alone.

---

What If You Don’t Want to Go Formal?

Yes, there are other ways to advocate—especially when the stakes feel high.

Not every accommodation request has to start with HR and paperwork.
In fact, sometimes the most effective advocacy is informal, relational, and human.

If you're working in a psychologically safe team or with a manager who “gets you,” you might choose to advocate through conversation, rhythm, or trust first.

Here are some softer approaches that still move the needle:

• Personal check-ins:

“Hey, I’ve noticed I do my best work when I have some quiet heads-down time in the mornings. Would it be okay if I blocked that out on my calendar?”

• Subtle nudges to shift communication style:

“Could you send over bullet points after meetings? It helps me process and stay aligned.”

• Self-created accommodations:

You build your own system—like scheduling “admin breaks,” turning off Slack pings during deep work, or using templates for tasks that drain your executive function.

These aren’t official accommodations—but they’re still powerful ways to advocate for your brain.

---

So How Do You Decide?

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel psychologically safe with my manager?

• Is this something I can trial informally before formalizing?

• What’s the risk of making it official versus just making it work?

You don’t have to disclose everything or go through HR to start honoring your needs.
Sometimes the most empowering move is the one that keeps your nervous system steady and gets the job done.

You don’t have to figure this all out alone—or from scratch.

I created a Neurodiversity Self-Advocacy Checklist to help you think through what you need, how to ask for it, and what might be considered “reasonable” under most policies.

It includes:

✅ Realistic examples (what’s usually approved—and what’s tricky)

🧠 Prompts to clarify what works for your brain and workflow

💬 Conversation starters to use with HR or your manager

📄 A downloadable version you can bring into your next meeting

---